My First

What prompted me to write a story about my first sexual experience was a conversation that I had yesterday. Someone asked me how old I was when I had sex for the first time. I thought it would be a humorous story, but when I thought about the details surrounding my decision, it really isn’t that funny at all. The first time I had sex I was very young. I wasn’t a bad kid. I usually did everything that my mom told me to do, and when she found out about what I did she was SO disappointed. It really wasn't something that I wanted to do and I felt a little pressured to have sex at the time. The person was someone who I knew from middle school and we actually hung out regularly. Every time I think about my first time, I wish I could take it back. I was actually embarrassed about it and didn’t even want to talk about it with my friends. It was nothing that I wanted to discuss and I sure didn’t want anybody else discussing it. I should’ve kept my little vagina to myself.

                So, I was 14 years old. Just a baby really. Man, I had actually just turned 14 on September 7, 1997. By the beginning of November 1997, I had given my vagina away. I need to let you know that I wasn’t the type of young girl that normally comes to mind as having sex at an early age. Usually, you think about young girl who may dress provocatively, doesn’t do well in school, is rebellious to her parents, etc. I was not that girl. Now, my body was that of a grown ass woman, but I had a chubby baby face. My mom picked out and purchased all of my school clothes, and sometimes she did have me dressed like a girl older than my age. I liked to dress trendy and I have always been very “girly”. The way that my body was shaped, it was difficult to find clothes that fit my style for a little girl. So some mistakes were made, but I never looked like I was on sexual display. Up until 10^th grade my mother never allowed me to go to afterschool dances, I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at friends’ houses, and I could barely even walk to the store by myself. I f I walked to the store my older sister Rashanda, or my younger sister LaTasha was with me. Actually none of us walked to the store alone. Also, I made very good grades and I wasn’t “boy crazy”. My mom didn’t feel like she had anything to worry about and she was so proud of me. She used to brag about me to her friends often. Every time she talked about me, you could hear the delight in her voice. I remember her saying things like “You know Nicole does hair! Yeah! She does my hair”…“Nicole brought home straight A’s”…”Every time I turn around this girl is taking pictures and changing her hair…she knows how to draw too!” It makes me feel sad right now as I type those memories, because I was so full of hope. I wasn’t afraid to be myself or take on a challenge. I had dreams and I could see nothing that would stop me from seeing my dreams come true. It brought me a deep satisfaction that my mother thought so highly of me.

                The person who I had sex with didn’t have a relationship with his mother like the relationship that I had with my mother. He and his older brother were being raised by their grandfather. His mother lived in another state and he barely saw her. If I ever mentioned his mother or father, he usually changed the subject. He barely came to school. Although he lived with his grandfather, it was like he was raising himself and living by his own rules. How fucked up is that! He was a kid and no one was being responsible for him. He had been trying to get me to have sex with him since 7^th grade. Anyone who knows me knows that I was focused on making good grades, looking cute, and not getting my ass beat by my mama! A 12 year old penis was not on my agenda in Junior High School. But, my oh my, what a difference a year makes.

                I’m going to refer to my first at C.R. In 9^th grade, my mom had finally allowed me to start talking to boys on the phone. Prior to 9^th grade, she had only allowed me talk on the phone to one other boy name Johnny. C.R. was also friends with my best friend Jennifer Parks. The three of us would hang out at Jennifer’s house on the porch, in front of my house on the grass, at school during lunchtime, or after school…usually at Waleeto’s Pizza or El Pollo Loco on Rosecrans Ave. and Prairie Blvd in Hawthorne, Ca. At that time, no boys were allowed to come into my house at all…ever! When I first began talking to C.R. on the phone, we would do 3-way calls with Jennifer. The conversations were always funny and normal teenage subject matter. All we did was talk about people at school and ugly teachers. It didn’t take long for C.R. to start calling me without Jennifer on the phone. He wasn’t an idiot though, he never discussed sex over the phone because he knew damn well my nosey ass mama was listening on the other line. My mama didn’t have any shame. Renita (my mom’s first name) would actually pick up the phone and let you know that she was listening to the conversation. Other times she would sneak on the phone to listen to my conversations. That lady really gave a total of ZERO fucks when it came to handing them out.

                C.R. was a sneaky little fucker. At school he would act like he needed my help with some homework or a school project so I could give him some attention. I was a fucking idiot though, because I knew damn well that his ass barely came to school. He didn’t do homework or turn in school projects. What the fuck did he need help with? Now I know that all he really needed help with was taking his little dick out of his boxers. Every single day he was asking me to have sex with him, and every single day I declined. He would ask me every single chance he got. He always made sure to ask me whenever we were alone. He never asked me in front of people. Maybe he felt ashamed. Maybe he felt embarrassed. Maybe he was asking the same thing from other girls who were our friends. Eventually, I gave in and had sex with him.

                It was the worst major decision that I could have ever made. I am too embarrassed to tell you where it happened. Now, it wasn’t in a bathroom or behind a dumpster or anything like that, but I will say that I disrespected myself and I allowed him to do the same to me. The day that it happened I had left my house for school in the morning as I usually did. Jennifer and I lived in “The Maze”, so normally we walked to school together. On this day she walked to school by herself, because of course, I was up to no good. Also, my mom had been in the hospital, so she wasn’t home to see me off to school. Instead of going to school, C.R. and I met up and we had the weakest little 3 minute sex ever. I had to ask him if it was “in” yet. I couldn’t believe I had done that! Fourteen fucking years old giving my stuff away in under 3 fucking minutes! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?! Those were the thoughts that were running through my mind. After we finished I headed to school. All I could think about is how stupid I felt. I couldn’t understand why I had done that! I kept thinking that everybody who walked passed me or looked at me knew that I had just had sex. I just felt so damn dirty…AND WRONG! Before I got to school, my big sister’s boyfriend saw me, but I didn’t see him. By this time it was after 9:00 am, and he knew I was supposed to be in class and not walking down the street. I soon found out that his ugly ass told on me.

                When I got to school, I made it in time for my JROTC class. As soon as I walked through the door and sat down one of the Sergeants told me that my mom was on the phone. My eyes got big as hell! Y’all know I have little tight eyes like an Asian, but I’m sure my eyeballs were the size of a Bratz Doll’s eyes! It wasn’t Sergeant Sewell that told me. It was the other Sergeant. The short one who wore glasses and he had that huge bump on his head. I had already missed two periods. When he told me that my mama was on the phone I thought it was a joke. Actually, I was hoping that it was a joke! I thought that maybe Jennifer or my other best friend Marcia were playing on the phone. “Hello” I said. I was scared as FUCK when I heard my mama’s voice on the other end.

“Nicole?” she said in a sweet soft voice “I wanted to know if you washed the clothes like I told you to?”

I said “HUH?..yes…I did that yesterday!” I was trying to figure out why this lady called me all the way from the hospital about washing some damn clothes.

My mom said “OK, I just wanted to make sure. You have a good day at school…Wait! Did you make it to your other classes?”

I just about sharted on myself. “Uhhh!...yeah…but I was late because….”

She didn’t even allow me to finish lying. Renita just hung up the phone. Y’all, I bullshit you not…there was a turd ready to drop right on out of my ass, and fall right onto the floor, right in that office, right behind the JROTC classroom! I knew right then and there that Renita knew something, but she wasn’t going to tell me what she knew until she was good and ready to beat my ass! Later that day, I found out that my mama called my other two classes as well. I remember who told me, she had called. It was my friend Danielle Young. She was like “Nicole! Yo mama called the class this morning looking for you!” I was embarrassed and scared that Danielle knew what I did that morning too! I just thought that everybody knew! I don’t even remember if I gave Danielle a reply. Months went by and we made it to May of 1998. At this point, all that my mom knew was that I had ditched 2 classes in November of 1997. She didn’t know that I had sex. I am sure she suspected it, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even tell me that she knew that I had ditched those classes that day. The way that she found out about me having sex was crazy.

After the one time C.R. and I had sex I didn’t want to do it anymore. He kept asking me and I kept saying turning him down. One day, he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. I asked my mom and she agreed to let me go. C.R.’s grandfather was supposed to drop us off and pick us up. When C.R. and his grandfather came to my house, my mom went outside, met his grandfather, wrote down the license plate number and took down the grandfather’s driver license # and address. I got in the car, and we left. These assholes drove me right to C.R.'s house. I was so mad. I kept asking what we were doing and when we were going to go to the movies. C.R. kept on giving me excuses and stalling. He was blaming shit on his grandfather. C.R. kept saying that the car was having issues! I wanted to call my mom to come get me, but C.R. convinced me that I would probably get in trouble so I didn’t call my mom. He told me to just wait and his grandfather would get the car running. All C.R. wanted to do was get me to have sex. My mom must have felt some type of way because what she did next just ain’t normal.

I was sitting on C.R.’s couch in his living room, waiting for the car to start. I had to have been watching something funny on T.V. because I remember laughing…loudly! C.R.’s phone rang and a man asked to speak to someone named Kevin. C.R.’s face looked puzzled. He kept saying “No Kevin lives here! Naw! You got the wrong number!” Eventually, he hung up in the man’s face. When he hung up the phone I knew it was my mama asking for somebody named Keith. She knew how to disguise her voice to sound like a man, and she was good at it. And what happened 15 minutes later? My mama called his motherfucking house, talking in her real voice and told his ass to put me on the phone. C.R. was even scared! He handed me the phone like he was handing me my death sentence. His mouth dropped to the floor and his eyes were wide open. I took the phone from his hand, and in the most scared voice I said “Hello?”

“You know you bout ta get fucked up when you come home right?!?”, my mom said.

“Yes…”, I was halfway crying and halfway about to take a shit on C.R.’s couch!

“WHERE THE FUCK IS HIS GRANDFATHER? PUT THAT UGLY MUTHAFUCKA ON THE PHONE!” Renita screamed at me through the phone.

I put the grandfather on the phone. I don’t know what my mama said to the grandfather, but he hurried up and got my lil fat black ass home!

                So we get to my house, and I get out of the car. I really didn’t want to get out of the car. I was afraid for my life! I just wanted to move away and change my name and forget my whole entire life! I knew I was about to get thoroughly handled by my mama! My mama had them HANDS y’all! I had witnessed my mama beat people up…men and women, so I had an idea of what was about to happen to me! I walked up to the screen door, my mama gave me a look of disgust, but she said nothing to me. She proceeded to walk right on past me, and right on up the grandfather’s truck. My mama walked to the passenger side where C.R. was sitting and began to knock him all upside his head. She was cursing him…calling him all kinds of “Lil dirty bastards”, “Rusty Muthafuckas”, “Lyin’ Dickheads”…I mean I don’t think she even cared that the boy had a real name. She cursed and beat both of them! My mother HATED him and his grandfather in that moment. After she was finished cursing and beating on them, she came into the house and proceeded to give me the BIZNIZZZZ! In the midst of her fucking me up, I admitted to having sex the previous year. And she asmitted that she was the one asking for Kevin. She called back in her real voice because she heard my stupid ass laughing at whatever I was watching on T.V.

                After my mother KICKED MY ASS, she put me on punishment, told my big sister all of my lil business, and made me an appointment to see an OBGYN! When I went to the doctor to get examined I was nervous. Some nurse asked me if it was my first child. My mom and I told the nurse at the same time that I wasn’t pregnant. My stomach was flat at that time so I don't know what she was looking at, and I don’t know whose chart she was looking at, but it wasn’t my chart. She got it together quickly because she didn’t asked me anymore questions! When the doctor performed my pelvic exam he asked me if I was sure that I had sex. He told my mom that I still looked like a virgin down there. My mom laughed and said "You got fucked up for a lil ass dick? You got yo ass beat for nuthin'!" I put my head down and looked at the floor.

Punishment wasn’t really much of a punishment, because I didn’t go nowhere anyway! I ended up being on punishment for almost a year. All I did during that time was write, draw, keep my grades up, and create hairstyles. My big sister was happy that I got in trouble, but she was sad that I had sex. When my mom told her what I did she wrote me a list that had the pros and cons of having sex! There were zero pros on the list. I cried so hard when she showed me the paper. She cried with me and tried explaining that she was disappointed in me as well. She said that she was convinced that I was the only virgin left at my age. I guess I was so sad and crying because not only did my mom kick my ass, but I really didn’t want to have sex anyway. I already knew all the reasons as to why I should not have sex. I guess I expected my mom to have some understanding since she was a teen mom. She gave birth to my big sister when she was 15 years old. I understood why my mom was so mad though. She was afraid for me. She didn’t want me to be a teen mom. She didn’t want me to have to struggle or be a statistic. My mom didn’t want me to turn out like she did. I believe that was her worst fear for her girls. I didn’t have sex again until I was 18 years old.